i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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