Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
