i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
