Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
