I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
