I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
