someone threw a dead crab at me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
