When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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