I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
