5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
