My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
