mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
