i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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