I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
