if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
