You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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