Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
