We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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