Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
