I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
