She just used a chaser for red wine.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
