Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
