I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
