He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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