I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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