apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
