im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
