i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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