I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
