The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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