6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
