Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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