There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
