do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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