I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
