tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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