We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
