i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
