Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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