When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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