Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
