well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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