Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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