my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I wear drunk well.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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