dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I want a musical about memes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
