so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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