if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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