I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
