i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
