Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
